How to Rebuild Trust After a Betrayal: Insights from the Gottman Method
Betrayal hurts. It shatters trust. When you need your partner the most, are they there for you? Was there a moment in your couple story when they weren’t there for you? Have you talked about that and come to a sense of peace around it?
As a Certified Gottman Therapist (one of only four in Ontario!), my team and I support couples every day who are aiming at rebuilding trust after betrayal.
Right now, I’m reading John Gottman’s book on trust called “The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples.” My goal for next year is to become a Gottman trainer, and part of that process is to read a whole list of books in preparation. This is one of those books. In this book he writes about his famous newlywed study he did in the 1990’s. When he looked back at the recordings, he realized that a theme was that many of the conflict conversations revolved around different expressions of trust. Couples were asking questions like:
- Can I trust you to choose me over your family?
- Can I trust you to pick up after yourself?
- Can I trust you to support me as I finish my graduate studies, and so on.
These every day kind of questions accumulate over time, and can either make a withdrawal or a deposit into the relationship bank account.
Trust is critical in a relationship. It is one of the supporting side walls in Gottman’s Sound Relationship House. If you’re not sure what that is, I did a YouTube video on it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbROfW0Spo Trust is an aspect of relationships that builds over time and can come tumbling down when there has been a betrayal. My team works with betrayals quite often. Betrayals could include:
- emotional or physical affairs
- lies, deceit, or withholding information
- financial secrets
- broken promises
- not following through on your word
- not showing up when your partner really needs you
Anything that breaks your sense of safety and security in the relationship can be a betrayal.
Once trust is lost, how do you repair it? Couples ask me:
- How do we rebuild trust?
- How do we fix trust issues in our relationship?
Gottman would say it is in those small and consistent moments in time where you turn towards your partner. Making these deposits in what he calls the relationship bank account helps to rebuild it. These trust-building moments look like:
- taking an interest in each other’s world
- prioritizing your partner
- engaging openly
- asking genuinely curious questions
- showing up when it matters
These small moments build the relationship bank account.
Gottman has a specific framework for addressing betrayals called Atone, Attune, Attach. Our couples have found it tremendously helpful to have a structure to these difficult conversations.
- Atone: In the first phase, there are questions about the betrayal and acknowledgement of impact on the betrayed partner.
- Attune: In the second phase, we explore what led to the betrayal and the deeper needs and dynamics
- Attach: In the third phase we focus on reconnecting and setting up rituals of connection moving forward.
Our clients find this framework grounding, compassionate, and effective.
If you’re struggling with trust issues, you’re not alone. Whether you’re dealing with emotional betrayal, broken promises, or a full-blown affair, the pain is real - and healing is possible. We specialize in Gottman-based couples therapy. Whether you’re rebuilding trust, improving communication, or trying to reconnect emotionally, our team is here to help you.
Feel free to reach out if you want to process a betrayal together. We work with couples across Ontario on-line/virtually, and in-person in Mississauga and Sarnia. We offer free 20-minute consultations to get started.
Be Well,
Melissa Johari, MSW, MTS, RSW
Founder and Clinic Director of The Couple Wellness Experts