How to Tell Young Children You're Getting a Divorce

Telling young children about divorce is one of the hardest conversations parents can face. Children need clarity, honesty, and reassurance. Here are some steps and guidelines that can help you approach it in a healthy and age-appropriate way:

1. Plan the Conversation Together

• Present a united front. If possible, both parents should be present. This shows stability and avoids mixed messages.
• Choose the right time and place: Pick a calm, quiet moment—not before school or bedtime. Also avoid telling them around the time of a holiday so that they do not forever link that memory of loss to a special event like a birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. 

2. Keep the Message Simple and Clear

• Use age-appropriate language. Young children don’t need details about the conflict, just the big picture. 
• Be direct but gentle: “Mommy and Daddy won’t be married anymore. We will live in different houses, but we will always love you.”
• Avoid blaming: Frame it as a decision you both made, not one parent’s fault. Moving forward, be sure to never ever bad-talk the other parent.
• Michigan State University Extension’s “Communication with Young Children about Divorce” emphasizes that children need repeated reassurance of love and stability, and that parents should avoid legal or confusing terms. Instead, be sure to use simple, concrete language.

3. Reassure Them of What Won’t Change

• Children’s biggest fear is losing love or security.
• Emphasize: 
• “This is not your fault.”
• “We will both still take care of you.”
• “We love you very much, and that will never change.”
• If you already know the plan (who lives where, when visits happen), share what you can so they feel secure.

4. Expect and Validate Their Feelings

• Kids may cry, ask questions, or seem unaffected at first. All responses are ok.
• Reassure them: “It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. We’re here to listen.” A publication from Arizona State University, as part of their work on helping children cope during high-conflict separations emphasizes “Validate emotions without judgment” as one of the protective strategies that supports resilience during transitions like divorce (Lozovanu, 2025).
• Be ready for repeated questions. Young children often need to hear the same reassurance many times. Be ready for them to bring up other questions days or weeks later. 

5. Keep the Door Open

• Let them know they can talk about it whenever they need.
• Offer extra cuddles, routines, and presence to help them feel safe. However, avoid spoiling to compensate for the loss. They just need to know you are there. A study titled Mediation and Moderation of Divorce Effects on Children’s Behavior Problems found that much of the negative behavior seen in children after divorce is linked to the loss of structure in daily life—when routines break down, the home environment can become less supportive, and emotional consistency may decline, leading to higher levels of anxiety, withdrawal, and depression. However, maintaining steady routines, emotional warmth, and predictable support can significantly buffer these effects, helping children adjust more smoothly and feel secure despite family changes.

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Example Script (for young children, in simple language)

“We need to tell you something important. Mommy and Daddy have decided that we can’t live together anymore. We will be living in different houses. But even though we won’t be married, we both love you so much, and we will always be your parents. You didn’t cause this, and you don’t need to fix it. You will still see both of us, and we will always take care of you.” 

This family law website is a valuable resource that offers additional age-appropriate guidance on how to talk to your children about divorce at different developmental stages: https://solutionsbasedfamilylaw.com/age-appropriate-tips-for-telling-kids-about-divorce/?

If you would like further support moving forward with co-parenting, remaining amicable or getting a sense of closure emotionally for yourselves, our team is here for you.

This blog was co-written by Melissa Johari, Clinic Founder and Director of The Couple Wellness Experts and Mathilde Beauvais, Program Co-Ordinator for The Couple Wellness Experts.

References:

Bastaits, K., Ponnet, K., & Mortelmans, D. (2012). Mediation and moderation of divorce effects on children’s behavior problems. Journal of Family Issues, 33(7), 820–844. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X11423971

Lozovanu, D. (2025). Helping children cope during high-conflict separations. Arizona State University.

Tams, L. (2016, December 26). Communication with young children about divorce is important. Michigan State University Extension.