Premarital Counselling, Gottman Style

Melissa wrote this on the third and last day of her Couples Retreat, May 4, 2025:

I am writing from my Second Annual '7 Principles for Making Marriage Work' Couples Retreat in Mississauga, Ontario. I am a self-proclaimed 'Gottman-Groupie', and I love the sound research and practical tools that the Gottman Method offers. I have been working with couples in private practice since 2012, with a special focus on premarital work.

To the pre-marrieds out there: please, please spend some of your wedding money on building a strong marital foundation first. If you don't have it in your budget, put it on your wedding registry. Preparing for a lifetime together is more important than that fancy air fryer! It is a lovely gift that loved ones can support you with. Whether you do a group retreat or couples coaching, please take that time to learn communication strategies and conflict management tools that will bring you through those inevitable lows of marriage. If it hasn't happened already, it will. With every journey that is worth it, there will be highs and lows.

So, how can the Gottman approach help pre-marrieds? In sooooo many ways! Did you know that the Gottman's can predict relationship success with 90% accuracy?! Where else can you get that kind of high predictability? There are clues to watch for, red flags, as it were.

Here they are:

• Harsh Start-Up. How do your conversations start out? 'You never have time for me!', 'You're always on the phone!', 'You're such a workaholic!'. Any statements that start off with 'you never', 'you always' or 'you are' are considered criticisms and will likely get met with a defensive attack back, defensive victimization, or shutting down (what Gottman calls stonewalling). Instead, use a softened start-up by starting the conversation with 'I feel x when y and I need z'. For example, "I feel disconnected when you're on your phone and I would love it if we could spend some good quality time together." Gottman's research shows that how the first three minutes of a conversation goes will predict how the rest of that conversation goes and how the rest of the relationship will go!
• The Four Horsemen. In Gottman's newleywed study years ago, he was able to do longevity research to back-track and see what habits led to divorce/separation or marital unhappiness years later. The horsemen and their antidotes are:
  • Criticism - Antidote: softened start-up
  • Defensiveness - Antidote: take ownership/responsibility, even if it's for a small part
  • Contempt - Antidote: create a culture of appreciation and describe your positive need
  • Stonewalling - Antidote: self-soothing
• Flooding. If you are in the midst of a heated argument and feeling overwhelmed, check your heart rate. If it is over 100 beats per minute, you are physiologically flooded. That means you are in survival fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode and the logical/language/reasoning part of your brain is shut down. Take a break and agree on when to return to the conversation. Be sure to resume the discussion anywhere between 20 minutes to 24 hours later.
• Body Language. When you talk with each other, is your body closed with crossed arms? Are one of you sneering or rolling your eyes? Are you distracted with your device and not making eye contact? These are signs of disconnection, disinterest and contempt. These are relationship no-no's, and instead be sure to be engaged, mindful, present in the moment, open, facing your partner when they speak to you.
• Failed Repair Attempts. Oooh, repairs are the secret sauce for Masters! Gottman's research shows how powerful repairs are for good relationships. They soothe, calm, and reconnect when you've had a disagreement. It can be as simple as saying 'You have a point there', or 'I'm sorry', or giving a touch on the arm or a hug to cool things down.
• Bad Memories, Re-Writing the Past. This happens when things are already on the road of negative sentiment override. Fond memories of the past, whether it be your first date or a vacation, suddenly get re-written. When the relationship is in that negative state, you suddenly remember all the things that went wrong on that first date or the ways your partner was inconsiderate during that vacation. Rather than ruminating on the negative, try focusing on the positive aspects of your partner and the relationship. I love giving my couples homework, and one of my favourite homework items is getting them to start a 'Positives Journal'. I get them to write down just one line a day in a shared journal that captures either a fond past memory, or a quality they appreciate about their partner, or stating an appreciation for something their partner did that day. This trains our Reticular Activating System, which is our brain's information filter, to focus on the positive rather than the negative.

Make sure that you are making the right choice in your partner! It is for life! Figure out your bottom lines. Every relationship has it's challenges. Gottman's research shows that 69% of problems that any couple faces will be perpetual, ongoing issues. So choose wisely what set of perpetual issues you are willing to endure for the rest of your life. Do not be another divorce statistic, and instead let's show society what beautiful lasting relationships look like. Being in a strong marriage is not only good for our mental health, but our physical health too, and shows our children or others watching what positive connected communication and conflict management looks like.

Melissa is a single mom of an adorable and active eight year old, living in Ontario, Canada. She was married for 16 years, and wished she had found Gottman earlier in her marriage or even while dating. It wasn't until after her separation that she discovered the world of Gottman and all the delicious goodness it has to offer. She loves using it with her couple clients and in couple retreats.