Seven Principles, One Weekend: A Journey Toward Deeper Connection at Our Recent Couples Retreat
I’m Mathilde Beauvais (she/her), a Master of Social Work student at the University of Toronto, currently completing my summer 2025 placement with The Couple Wellness Experts. I’m passionate about mental health, relational wellness, and making therapeutic support more accessible to individuals, couples and families. With training in The Gottman Method, I’m excited to contribute to meaningful conversations around love, connection, and emotional resilience.
This past weekend, from Friday night (May 2nd) to Sunday afternoon (May 4th), I had the pleasure of volunteering as the Associate Intern with The Couple Wellness Experts at a transformative couples retreat hosted at the serene Queen of Apostles Renewal Centre. The focus of the weekend was grounded in the ‘7 Principles for Making Marriage Work’, and it brought together three wonderful couples, all deeply committed to nurturing their connection.
Over the course of the retreat, we explored how to build stronger friendships, improve communication, and gently navigate those tricky, often recurring issues that show up in relationships. It was inspiring to witness the openness, vulnerability, and love each couple brought to the space. The setting was peaceful, the conversations were rich, and the weekend left us all feeling more grounded and connected.
The retreat was thoughtfully led by the warm and inspiring Melissa Johari, Founder and Clinic Director of The Couple Wellness Experts. We kicked things off with a round of introductions and a helpful overview of what to expect over the next few days. Before diving into the work, we grounded ourselves in the research behind the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, asking important questions like, ‘Why do these principles matter?’ and ‘What makes them so effective?’
We then eased into the first principle: Principle 1: Enhancing Your Love Maps. This concept, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute, is all about knowing the little details of your partner’s inner world – their hopes, fears, joys, and stresses. These “love maps” form the foundation for lasting friendship and emotional intimacy (Gottman and Silver, 2015).
To explore this, we guided couples through a Love Maps exercise – a series of thoughtful, even playful, questions like: Who are your partner’s two closest friends? What stresses are they facing right now? What was their most embarrassing moment? The goal is to tune in to your partner’s evolving self and stay connected.
Couples therapist and relationship researcher, Kyle Benson, puts it simply: emotionally intelligent couples are those who truly know one another. This exercise helped set the tone for a weekend filled with curiosity, connection, and deeper understanding.
After a cozy dinner break of fish and quinoa – courtesy of the amazing kitchen team at Queen of Apostles Renewal Centre – we returned feeling nourished and ready to dive back into the second principle of making marriage work: Principle 2: Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration.
This principle is all about reconnecting with the reasons you cherish your partner, especially when life gets busy or conflict creeps in. To bring this to life, we introduced the simple yet powerful “I appreciate…” exercise from The Gottman Institute. Each partner identified and shared ten specific qualities they appreciated about their partner and then chose three to write down on a keep-sake card. They then exchanged the cards, creating a heartfelt moment of connection and gratitude. This activity encourages couples to intentionally express admiration for one another, focusing not just on what their partner does, but on who they are at their core. The beauty of this practice lies in its specificity, offering couples a meaningful opportunity to reflect on the qualities they truly value in each other. To deepen the connection even further, each partner wrote a love letter for the other, something personal and heartfelt to be read on a future date night.
…And that was it for Day 1! The couples went their separate ways for the night, hopefully with a few new insights and warm feelings in tow. We reconvened the next morning at 8:00 AM for breakfast, and then dove into Principle 3: Turning Towards One Another at 10:00 AM.
This principle highlights the importance of recognizing the small moments of connection in everyday life – what the Gottmans call ‘bids for connection.’ These bids can be as simple as sharing something about your day, making a joke, or asking for help. Turning Towards means responding with interest, affection, or support, rather than ignoring/ brushing it off or getting hostile. Over time, these small acts build emotional trust and intimacy, which is especially important when navigating conflict or stress.
After we talked about Turning Towards One Another, we moved on to Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You. This principle centers on fostering mutual respect and being open to your partner's influence, especially when making decisions. It’s about recognizing that both partners have valuable perspectives and that sharing decision-making isn’t just a way to avoid conflict, but a way to build a deeper, more collaborative connection. In healthy relationships, both partners should feel like they can express their opinions and be heard, and that their thoughts and feelings matter. It’s about creating a space where compromise is valued, not just to avoid tension, but to make room for both people to grow and contribute to the relationship.
Teaching these principles involved plenty of hands-on exercises – one of which was breaking off with your partner to practice a 10-minute stress-reducing conversation. This exercise was designed to help couples practice "turning towards each other" when one partner discloses something stressful from their day that’s external to their relationship. The goal was to create a supportive space for active listening, validation, and empathy, allowing partners to connect and offer comfort without getting caught up in problem-solving or judgment. It was a great opportunity to strengthen communication and demonstrate care, showing that you're there for your partner during the tough moments, even if the stress isn’t directly related to the relationship itself.
After lunch, we discussed the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems. A difficult topic that often comes up for couples, especially these days, is money. Finances could either be a solvable problem or it could reflect a perpetual issue. For example, figuring out how to arrange accounts might be a solvable problem, while the meaning of money (security vs freedom) may be a perpetual issue.
Daniel Rinaldi, financial advisor, joined us to lead an insightful discussion on managing and communicating finances as a couple. He tackled key questions like: Do you manage money as a team or independently? How do you approach matters like wills, inheritance, and children? And what about finances in a blended family? Daniel’s session sparked meaningful conversations and offered practical advice on handling these often challenging topics, while maintaining a healthy and strong partnership.
A natural next step in the retreat was further diving into Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems. This principle is all about learning how to approach everyday disagreements in a constructive, respectful way. We talked about how building strong communication skills – like using softened start-ups, accepting influence, and making effective repair attempts – can prevent small issues from escalating into bigger conflicts. We then broke out into sex-based groups, giving all the women and all the men a chance to talk openly about common solvable problems that often show up in relationships. Topics ranged from electronic distractions and pornography to stress, in-law dynamics, and the quality of sex, romance, and passion in their relationships. Each group shared which issues felt most relevant in their own relationships and explored how they currently navigate or hope to navigate these challenges moving forward. It was a powerful space for reflection, vulnerability, and shared wisdom.
Time flew by, and suddenly we were kicking off day 3! Fueled by fresh scrambled eggs, sausages, toast, breakfast muffins and hot tea, we jumped into Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock. This principle is all about tackling those deep-rooted conflicts that keep coming up again and again, not to ‘solve’ them, but to uncover the underlying needs – or what we like to call “dreams” – behind them and learn how to talk about them with empathy and care. Each couple chose a gridlocked, recurring issue in their relationship and spent time privately discussing it with each other. The goal was to reveal the deeper ‘dream’ behind the conflict. Melissa made her way around to each couple, offering her expertise with warmth and care – listening closely, providing thoughtful insights, and gently guiding them whenever moments of confusion or overwhelm arose.
A lunch break brought us to the shared dining space, where we took a pause from our deep dive into gridlocked issues and shifted the conversation toward something a little lighter – what came up was our dream travel destinations!
The last principle, Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning was the focus of our afternoon. This principle highlights creating a meaningful life together by cultivating shared rituals, roles, goals, values, symbols, and ultimately a sense of purpose as a couple.
As the retreat drew to a close, there was a tangible shift in the room. Couples were laughing more easily, holding each other a little closer, and walking away with not just new tools, but a renewed sense of partnership. There was also a shared expression of gratitude between the various couples with heartfelt good-byes. This weekend was a reminder that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a practice. One that thrives on intention, curiosity, and a willingness to grow together, even when things get messy. Whether it’s through heartfelt “I appreciate you” notes or hashing out the hard stuff with compassion, this weekend proved that meaningful connection is always within reach when both partners are committed to showing up, day after day.
A sincere thank you to Melissa Johari for bringing this incredible initiative to life, and to the wonderful staff at Queen of Apostles Renewal Centre for graciously hosting us and providing such warm hospitality throughout the weekend. And of course, thank you to the amazing couples who showed up with open hearts and a willingness to do the work — your vulnerability, laughter, and love made this retreat truly special. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have volunteered and to write this blog as a reflection for the amazing couples who joined us; something to look back on and remember all that was shared and learned. I also hope it offers a glimpse into what future couples can expect from retreats with The Couple Wellness Experts. Be sure to keep an eye on our website, www.thecouplewellnessexperts.com, and follow us on social media for updates on upcoming retreats! If you want to be the first to know about upcoming couples events, you can sign-up for the newsletter on the website, or request to be added onto the newsletter by emailing admin@couplewellnessexperts.com
References
Benson, K. (2024, June 26). Emotionally intelligent husbands are key to a lasting marriage. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotionally-intelligent-husbands-key-lasting-marriage/
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Random House/Crown/Harmony.