Understanding and Validation in Relationships

“I Hear You” - The Key Difference Between Understanding and Validation in Relationships

You’ve had a long day. Maybe work was overwhelming, a family member said something hurtful, or the kids just pushed every possible button. You finally sit down with your partner, hoping to vent – to let it out and maybe feel a little lighter.

They look at you as you speak. Then, they might respond in a few different ways:

· Dismissive: They brush off your feelings or minimize your experience. “Your mom was probably just trying to be helpful. It’s not a big deal, just forget about it.” → This can leave you feeling unheard, like your emotions don’t matter.

· Reflective: They try to show they’re listening by repeating back what you said. “So your mom said something about your parenting again?” → This shows they’re paying attention, but without more, it might still feel a little flat.

· Problem-Solving: They focus on fixing the issue instead of first connecting with your emotions. “Well, maybe you just need to be more direct with your mom next time.” → While their intentions might be good, this can make you feel like your emotions are being bypassed or that there's no space to simply feel before fixing. It can leave you feeling alone with your experience instead of comforted.

Why do these responses not quite meet the mark?

Because even though they might have understood what happened cognitively, they didn’t validate how it made you feel emotionally. Without that emotional connection, it’s hard to stay open.

If you have ever opened up to your partner about something emotional and walked away feeling unheard – even though they may have said all the “right” things – you’re not alone. In relationships, true connection goes beyond simply hearing your partner’s words. It’s about helping each other feel seen, safe, and supported.

That’s where the distinction between understanding and validation becomes so important.

Often, one partner believes they’re being supportive just because they understand what’s being said, and may offer some suggestions or reassurances. Yes, understanding matters – it lays the groundwork for effective communication. But if the goal is emotional closeness, trust, and emotional safety, it is validation of the emotional experience that transforms a conversation into a source of comfort and true connection.

Let’s break this down further:

What is Understanding?

Understanding is intellectual. It’s about mentally grasping what your partner is communicating. You know the story. You can follow the logic. Maybe you can even repeat the key points back to them.

Example: “I get that your manager dropped that project on you at the last minute, and you had to cancel your plans. That would frustrate anyone.”

Understanding says, “I heard the details of what happened.” It’s helpful – especially when trying to manage a conflict or solve a practical problem. But on its own, it can feel hollow. Why? Because it doesn’t necessarily make your partner feel emotionally supported.

What is Validation?

Validation is emotional. It’s the process of recognizing and affirming that someone’s feelings are real, legitimate, and understandable given their experience, even if you wouldn’t feel the same way or see the situation the same way. It’s genuinely empathizing with their feelings, seeing it from their perspective, even if your view is different.

Example: “That really sucks. You worked so hard on that, and then you didn’t even get a thank you? I’d be so hurt too.”

Validation says, “What you’re feeling makes sense, and you don’t have to defend it.” It reassures your partner that their emotions are acceptable and that they don’t have to “tone it down,” “get over it,” or “be more logical.”

Why We Often Skip Validation

Many of us are taught to solve problems quickly or avoid emotional discomfort. So instead of validating, we:

· Try to fix it: “Have you tried talking to your boss about boundaries?”

· Minimize: “It’s not that big a deal. Try not to let it get to you.”

· Intellectualize: “Well, it makes sense your mom said that. She’s stressed too.”

Even when we’re trying to help, these responses can leave a partner feeling dismissed, misunderstood, or emotionally alone. It can feel like they’ve opened up only to be shut down.

Understanding vs. Validation: In Practice

Let’s look at a few scenarios:

Scenario 1: After a Family Argument

You just got back from a tense family gathering. Over dinner, your sister made a sarcastic remark about your career — “Must be nice to have a job where you can just make your own hours and call it ‘work.’” People laughed, and you forced a smile to keep the peace. But inside, you were upset. You’ve worked hard to build your career, and her comment felt dismissive and hurtful.

Understanding: “So your sister made a comment about your career, and it upset you.” 

Validation: “That must’ve felt so undermining. You’ve worked really hard, no wonder that hurt so badly.”

Scenario 2: Struggling with Infertility

You've been trying for months – maybe even years – and every cycle ends the same. This morning’s pregnancy test was negative again. You held your breath while waiting for the result, hoping this time would be different. When it wasn’t, the disappointment hit like a wave.

Understanding: “You’re feeling overwhelmed by another negative pregnancy test.” 

Validation: “Of course you’re devastated. You’ve been holding on to so much hope. I’m here with you.”

Scenario 3: Anxiety About the Future

You’ve got a big job interview coming up, and your mind won’t stop racing. What if you mess up? What if they don’t like you? You keep running through answers in your head, second-guessing every word. This opportunity feels huge – like a chance to finally move forward – and that makes it even more nerve-wracking.

Understanding: “You’re nervous about the job interview because you really want this opportunity.”

Validation: “It’s okay to be scared – this means a lot to you, and I know how hard you’ve been preparing. You’ve got every right to feel nervous.”

In each case, understanding names the situation. Validation, though, connects to the emotion and affirms its legitimacy.

Tips for Practicing Both Understanding and Validation

Here’s how to build the habit of combining understanding and emotional validation in your relationship – two key ingredients for deeper connection and trust:

1. Slow down.

When your partner opens up, resist the urge to jump in with advice or reactions. Take a breath and be fully present. Your calm presence helps to create a safe space where they feel heard and supported.

2. Name the feeling.

Try to reflect the emotion you’re picking up on. You might say, “You sound really hurt,” or “That must have been so frustrating.” This shows you’re tuning in not just to the content of what they’re saying, but to the emotional experience underneath.

3. Affirm it. 

Let them know their reaction makes sense.Even a simple, “That’s totally understandable,” or “I get how you could feel x, I would feel that way too,” can go a long way in making someone feel seen and validated — especially in moments when they might be second-guessing their own feelings.

4. Ask if they want solutions. 

Before offering advice, check in with what they actually need. Say something like, “Would it help to talk through possible next steps, or do you just want me to listen right now?” This kind of question respects their autonomy and clarifies your role in the moment — listener, supporter, or problem-solver.

Practicing these skills regularly helps you become a more emotionally responsive partner; someone your partner can turn to and trust, even during life’s harder moments.

Additional Resources

Gottman’s Stress-Reducing Conversation is a powerful tool developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples stay emotionally connected while navigating everyday stressors – particularly those that originate outside the relationship (like work, family, health, etc.). It’s not about solving problems but about being present, supportive, understanding, taking your partner’s side, and most importantly, validating (Lisitsa, 2013).

Take a look at this blog from The Gottman Institute: How to Have a Stress-Reducing Conversation, which offers helpful guidance for connecting with your partner during tough times. The key idea is simple: take turns talking and really listen without interrupting or jumping in with advice unless it’s asked for. Stay present, show empathy, and let your partner know their feelings are valid. Even if you see things differently, focus on being supportive and showing you’re on the same team (Lisitsa, 2013).

For further resources, check out Gottman’s Card Deck App – especially Expressing Needs, Great Listening, and Expressing Empathy. These card decks offer simple, practical prompts to help you and your partner practice supportive communication, understand each other’s emotional needs, and build stronger connection through empathy, active listening, and validation. You can find them on The Gottman Institute’s website or through their downloadable app.

The Takeaway:

Understanding and validation are not the same, but they work best together. Understanding says, “I get what happened.” Validation says, “I get how it made you feel, and your feelings matter.”

When couples learn to do both, they don’t just communicate, they connect. And connection is what allows us to feel truly seen, supported, and loved.

About the Author:

This blog was written by Mathilde Beauvais, MSW Intern with The Couple Wellness Experts. She is spending her practicum placement with us for the summer of 2025. If you wish to book a free 15-minute consultation with her to talk through any couple issues you might be facing, she is currently accepting new clients.

References

Lisitsa, E. (2013, June 21). How to have a stress-reducing conversation. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-stress-reducing-conversation/